In life, there are two constants that we mix and mingle with forever.
The Two Main Types of Fatherhood Adversity
If there’s one thing that fatherhood will do, it’s this: it’ll throw challenges your way faster than you can say “dad joke.” But before we get caught up in whether or not we should let our kids stay up late to watch that movie, let’s take a step back and talk about something deeper. Let’s talk about the two main types of adversity you’ll face as a dad: internal and external.
Internal Adversity
This is the stuff that happens inside our heads. It’s the self-doubt, the feeling of not being good enough, and that nagging thought that maybe, just maybe, you’re screwing it all up. And guess what? You’re not alone in feeling this way. Over 60% of dads have reported that they don’t feel valued as a parent. They feel their opinions, thoughts, and contributions are overlooked.
But it doesn’t stop there. Internal adversity can also manifest as low self-worth and insecurity in your role as a dad. It’s that voice in your head questioning whether you’re doing the right thing, whether you’re being too soft, too tough, or just not enough. And then there’s the guilt—the guilt of wanting to do things alone, to have time for yourself without the kids. You might think, “Am I a bad dad for wanting to recharge my batteries?” The answer is a resounding no.
A coaching client of mine once shared that he felt guilty for wanting to pursue personal goals and dreams outside of his role as a dad. I gave him this example: Imagine you’re picking up a friend to give them a ride to the airport, but your gas tank is only 20% full. Instead of filling up first, you decide to drive them to the airport. Halfway there, you run out of gas. Now, your friend is stressed, worried about missing their flight, and you’re both stranded. If you had just taken the time to fill up your tank, none of this would’ve happened.
The same goes for fatherhood. Showing up for your kids when your tank is only 20% full isn’t doing anyone any favors. Taking time for yourself, whether it’s sitting in silence for 10-15 minutes or scheduling time out with friends, is essential to being the best dad you can be.
External Adversity
Now let’s talk about the stuff that happens outside of your head—external adversity. These are the challenges that come from the world around us, from societal expectations to financial pressures.
First up, societal expectations. We all worry about how others perceive our parenting choices. We seek external validation, whether we realize it or not. But here’s the thing: worrying about what others think doesn’t do anything to help you or your kids. It only adds unnecessary stress.
Next, there’s financial adversity. Maybe you’re going through a tough time and can’t provide all the things you want for your kids. It’s easy to look around, see what other people have, and start comparing yourself to them. But comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s important to remember that providing love, support, and presence is far more valuable than material things.
Finally, there’s the challenge of building a connection with your children. Maybe you’re struggling to connect with your child, and it’s leading to arguments and misunderstandings. This can feel like a huge external adversity, but it’s one that can be overcome with patience, understanding, and communication.
The Three Ways to Embrace Fatherhood Adversity
Now that we’ve identified the types of adversity you might face as a dad, let’s talk about how to embrace it. Because here’s the thing: adversity is inevitable. But how you respond to it can make all the difference.
1. Stop Labeling Adversity as “Bad”
Let’s start with a radical idea: stop labeling adversity as “bad.” In this universe, there’s equal good and bad in everything. The key is to practice neutrality. When we label something as objectively “bad,” we’re viewing it through the lens of our own perceptions, and we miss out on the opportunity to see the other side.
Adversity is good because it’s how we learn and grow. Our higher selves are essentially putting us through obstacles for two reasons: to learn and to use what we’ve learned to help others. The key to life is to never stop learning and to be of service to others. Everything else is just an extension of those two things.
For example, if I hadn’t gone through a three-year custody battle that left me in an emotional and financial crisis, I wouldn’t have discovered the power of journaling, meditation, and spirituality. But because I went through that adversity, I now have the experience and knowledge to help other dads who are going through their own forms of adversity.
2. Stop Getting Attached to the “Role” of “Dad”
I know, this sounds crazy. But hear me out. What is the word “Dad”? It’s merely a sound, a label that society gave you because you have a child. The problem is, we often place our entire identity on this label. So when we face adversity associated with this label, we suffer ten times more.
Instead of looking at the storm and coping with it, we end up inside the storm, getting tossed around mentally because we’ve attached ourselves too closely to the label. When you face fatherhood adversity, try viewing yourself as what you really are: infinite awareness and consciousness. You’re aware of the emotions and experiences associated with the label, but you’re not the label itself.
By detaching from the label, you’ll find that you’re ten times more compassionate with yourself, and you’ll be able to make better choices emotionally when dealing with adversity.
3. Journal
Journaling is an incredibly powerful tool for managing adversity. When I started journaling, it allowed me to drop my expectations and connect the dots that I couldn’t see in the hustle and bustle of daily life. Journaling provides a safe space to gather and collect your thoughts. It also gives you a place to think and express yourself freely, without any worry of judgment.
If you’re struggling with adversity, I highly recommend starting a journaling practice. And if you’re not sure where to start, the 365 Dad Journal is a great resource. It’s designed specifically for dads who want to reflect, grow, and become the best versions of themselves.
Dadclusion
Fatherhood adversity is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be something you fear or dread. By understanding the different types of adversity—internal and external—and learning how to embrace it, you can become a stronger, more resilient, and a more compassionate dad.
Remember, stop labeling adversity as “bad,” stop getting attached to the label of “Dad,” and start journaling. These three steps will help you navigate the challenges of fatherhood with grace and strength.
And if you’re looking for a little extra support, don’t hesitate to reach out. Whether it’s through the 365 Dad Journal or one-on-one coaching, I’m here to help you embrace the adversity in your life and become the best dad you can be.