Are You The Cool Parent or The Tough One?

Let’s face it—fatherhood is a complex journey. It's like trying to assemble a piece of IKEA or Amazon furniture delivery without the instructions, only the furniture is your child, and the stakes are infinitely higher. You’ve probably asked yourself more times than you can count: "Am I the cool parent or the tough one?" Society loves to pin labels on us, doesn’t it? 

But here’s the thing: these labels—"cool," "tough," "disciplinarian"—are just that: labels. They’re not the entirety of who we are as fathers. And if we attach ourselves too closely to these labels, we may end up feeling conflicted, especially when faced with the challenges of fatherhood. The more we detach from these labels emotionally while embodying the actions they represent, the better we will be at managing adversity and staying true to ourselves as dads.

The Emotional Maze of Fatherhood

Fatherhood is a journey filled with moments of joy, pride, and connection. But let’s be honest, it’s also a journey filled with uncertainty, doubt, and emotional complexity. One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced as a dad is the question of how to balance being both the cool parent and the tough one.

When I first became a dad, I thought I had to choose between being the disciplinarian or being the laid-back, fun parent. Society often pushes us into these roles, making us feel like we need to pick a side. But the truth is, you can be both—and doing so can lead to a more fulfilling and effective fatherhood experience.

I vividly remember the moment I realized I was both the cool parent and the disciplinarian. It was a proud moment for me, not because I had finally figured out how to juggle these roles, but because I had come to accept that being both was not only possible but essential. During conversations with my pre-teen, he expressed that while I was cool and fun to be around, I also didn’t hesitate to set boundaries and enforce rules when needed. This acknowledgment from him was a big part of my fatherhood identity and one of my proudest moments.

The Perception Trap

But let’s take a step back. Why do we feel the need to label ourselves as either cool or tough? It all comes down to perception—both our own and that of others. We often see ourselves through the lens of societal expectations, which can make us question our parenting choices. Am I being too soft? Am I being too hard? These questions plagued me, especially when I leaned more into the “cool” side of parenting.

There were times when I wondered if I was doing the right thing by being more gentle and understanding with my son. Was I failing him by not being the tough, no-nonsense dad that society seemed to expect? This internal conflict led me to start journaling—a practice that became a lifeline for me. Through journaling, I was able to explore my feelings about these perceived labels and come to a deeper understanding of who I wanted to be as a father.

Here’s a journaling prompt for you: "Reflect on a time when you felt torn between being the cool parent and the disciplinarian. How did it make you feel? What did you learn from that experience?"

Embracing Both Roles

The more I explored my feelings through journaling, the more I realized that these labels are just perceptions. My son sees me as both cool and tough, depending on the situation. But from my two-year-old daughter’s perspective, I might as well be as soft as a teddy bear, with nothing tough about me at all. It’s all about context and perception.

This realization allowed me to embrace both roles without feeling like I was failing in one or the other. It also taught me the importance of not seeking external validation. Instead, I focused on parenting from my intuition and heart, rather than from a place of worry about how others might perceive me.

For any dad reading this, I encourage you to take a moment and reflect on how you perceive yourself as a parent. Are you overly attached to a particular label? If so, why? Consider journaling your thoughts to gain clarity.

Practical Tips for Balancing Both Roles

Now that we’ve established that it’s possible—and even beneficial—to be both the cool parent and the disciplinarian, let’s talk about how you can practically implement this balance in your daily life as a dad.

Set Clear Boundaries: Being cool doesn’t mean letting your kids walk all over you. It’s important to set clear boundaries and enforce them consistently. This shows your kids that while you’re approachable and understanding, you’re also serious about certain rules and values.

Choose Your Battles: Not every situation requires you to be the tough disciplinarian. Sometimes, it’s okay to let things slide, especially if the issue at hand is minor. This doesn’t mean you’re being soft; it means you’re being strategic about where to place your energy.

Be Transparent with Your Kids: Let your kids know why you’re being strict or lenient in a given situation. Explain your reasoning so they can understand the thought process behind your actions. This builds trust and helps them see you as a well-rounded parent. If they feel that you are truly teaching and not shaming; they will be much more receptive to your actions and words. 

Embrace Emotional Flexibility: Parenting requires a great deal of emotional flexibility. There will be times when you need to be stern and times when you need to be gentle. The key is to adapt to the situation and your child’s needs in the moment.

Journal Your Experiences: Use journaling as a tool to explore your feelings about these roles. Writing down your thoughts can help you gain clarity and make more intentional choices in your parenting. The 365 Dad Journal is a great resource for this, offering prompts and exercises designed to help you navigate the complexities of fatherhood.

The Spiritual Perspective

Let’s shift gears and talk about the spiritual aspect of these labels. From a spiritual point of view, the labels “cool,” “tough,” and “disciplinarian” are just that—labels. They don’t define who we are at our core. At our core, we are simply this ever present awareness. If we are aware of these labels and the emotions that go along with them; it is impossible to BE them. We can't be both the observer and the observed. When we attach ourselves too closely to these labels, we can end up suffering more when faced with adversity in fatherhood.

For example, if you see yourself strictly as the disciplinarian, you might feel like a failure when a situation calls for a softer, more understanding approach. On the other hand, if you pride yourself on being the cool parent, you might struggle with guilt or self-doubt when you need to lay down the law.

The key is to detach from these labels emotionally. Understand that they are simply perceptions, not truths. This doesn’t mean you stop embodying the actions associated with these labels; it means you don’t let them define you. By doing so, you’ll find it easier to navigate the challenges of fatherhood without the added burden of self-imposed expectations.

Consider this journaling prompt: "What labels have you attached to yourself as a parent? How have these labels affected your approach to fatherhood? How can you detach from these labels to parent more authentically?"

Personal Reflection and Growth

For me, embracing both the cool and tough roles—and detaching from the need for external validation—was a turning point in my fatherhood journey. It allowed me to parent from a place of intuition and heart, rather than from a place of worry about how others might perceive me.

One of the most significant moments in this journey was when I realized that my son and daughter had different perceptions of me. My son saw me as both cool and tough, while my daughter, at her young age, viewed me as soft and nurturing. This contrast in perception highlighted the importance of not getting too attached to any one label. It also reinforced the idea that our children see us in different ways based on their unique needs and perspectives.

By embracing both roles, I’ve been able to create a more balanced and fulfilling fatherhood experience. I’ve learned to be both the disciplinarian and the fun parent, the enforcer of rules and the source of comfort. And perhaps most importantly, I’ve learned to be okay with the fact that I don’t always have to fit neatly into one box or the other.

Dadclusion

The question of whether you should be the cool parent or the tough one is not one that requires a definitive answer. The truth is, you can—and should—be both. Embrace the duality of these roles and understand that they are simply labels, not definitions of who you are as a father.

By detaching from these labels and focusing on parenting from your intuition and heart, you’ll find greater fulfillment in your fatherhood journey. And remember, journaling can be an invaluable tool in helping you explore these concepts and gain clarity on your role as a dad.

So, the next time you find yourself questioning whether you’re being too soft or too tough, take a step back and reflect. Are you getting too caught up in the labels? Are you parenting from a place of authenticity or from a place of societal expectation? The answers to these questions can help you find the balance you’re seeking and ultimately become the dad your children need you to be.

And if you’re looking for a resource to help you navigate this journey, I highly recommend the 365 Dad Journal. It’s designed to guide you through the complexities of fatherhood with prompts and exercises that encourage self-reflection, mindfulness, and growth.