If you've ever needed proof that 95% of the time we're projecting how we were parented onto our kids, look no further than this article. Here's an experiment for you: think back to some of your most recent reactive moments of fatherhood. Reflect on the statements that flew out of your mouth in those heated seconds. Now ask yourself, "Did I grow up hearing my parents say this all the time?" I'm no psychic, but I'm willing to bet the answer is a resounding yes.
Conscious parenting isn't just a trendy buzzword; it's essential because it breaks generational cycles. We're so caught up in the hustle of daily life that we seldom pause to realize our thoughts manifest into words, which then shape our reality—and our children's. Our kids absorb everything, like little emotional sponges, and the phrases we use can either nurture their growth or hinder it.
With that being said, I've compiled five of the most repeat-offender statements I've used during my 12-year journey of fatherhood. Not only did I grow up hearing these, but I've also heard countless other parents utter them without a second thought.
So, without further ado, here are five things we should absolutely stop saying to our children, along with what we might say instead.
- "You Know Better!"
Ah, the classic. Out of everything on this list, this is hands down my most frequently used phrase. Full transparency here: I'm pretty sure I used this on my kids as recently as two weeks ago. The one thing I'm proud of is that as soon as it slips out, I'm aware of it and make a promise to myself to be more intentional about stopping.
But let's unpack this. We tell our kids, "You know better," but do they really? More often than not, they don't. We assume they should possess the same worldly wisdom and emotional regulation as adults, which is just absurd when you think about it.
Deep down, when we say this, we're projecting our insecurities. We're afraid to admit that maybe we're the ones who haven't taught them adequately, or perhaps we're making their mistake about us. It's like we're saying, "How dare you do something that makes me look like I'm not the perfect parent of a perfect child!"
This phrase is a way for us to validate losing our temper, to justify reacting instead of responding thoughtfully. But to our children, it screams shame. It tells them they're somehow behind in their development, that they're failing to meet expectations they didn't even know existed.
For example, when my toddler jumps on the bed and eventually falls off, telling her "You know better" gets in the way of the care and support she's seeking from me. She doesn't need a reprimand; she needs comfort and gentle guidance.
Alternative to Say:
- "...Or Else!"
This is the ultimate threat phrase. Making threats to our children only teaches them that it's acceptable to use intimidation to get what they want. The irony is that half the time we say "...or else," we don't follow through with whatever consequence we promised. Why? Because deep down, we're inherently kind, loving, and nurturing.
Usually, when our kids do the thing that came before the "or else," we suddenly gain compassion and think of ways to give them second and third chances. The problem with this pattern is that we inadvertently show our kids that we don't mean what we say. Our threats become idle, and they learn not to take us seriously, leading to repeated behaviors we don't want.
Moreover, this approach creates an environment of fear rather than understanding. It doesn't teach them why a behavior is undesirable; it only teaches them to avoid getting caught or to fear arbitrary punishments.
Alternative to Say:
- "Because I Said So."
Ah, the timeless fallback. This is the ultimate "I'm big, and you're small" phrase. It shuts down communication and tells our children that their curiosity and desire to understand the world aren't valued.
When we use "Because I said so," we're taking a lazy route. We're avoiding the effort it takes to explain our reasoning, perhaps because we're tired or frustrated. But consider the message this sends: that authority doesn't require justification, and that questioning isn't welcome.
Our children are natural learners. They ask "why" not to challenge us, but to make sense of their environment. Denying them explanations can stifle their intellectual growth and teach them to accept things without critical thought.
I've realized that when I use this phrase, I'm unintentionally putting my child beneath me, standing on a high horse I have no business being on. Our kids are our greatest teachers; they deserve respect and thoughtful communication.
Alternative to Say:
- "It's important that we do it this way because..."
- "We Can't Afford That."
This statement might seem harmless, but it's the breeding ground for limiting beliefs around money that can carry into adulthood. I grew up hearing this phrase, and it certainly left a lasting impact on me.
When we tell our kids, "We can't afford that," we're instilling a scarcity mindset. It frames financial limitations as permanent barriers rather than challenges to overcome. Over time, this can lead to feelings of inadequacy or fear around money.
Instead, we can use these moments as opportunities to teach our children about budgeting, saving, and making thoughtful choices.
Alternative to Say:
- "That isn't in our budget right now. But, let's save up for it together or consider it for your birthday."
- "You'll Never Learn."
This phrase is perhaps the most damaging on the list. It's a direct attack on our children's ability to grow and improve. Saying "You'll never learn" drills subconscious messages into their minds that they are incapable, unworthy, and destined to fail.
Such statements strip our children of the innocence and joy of exploration. Mistakes are a natural part of learning, but this phrase turns errors into personal failures rather than opportunities for growth.
We need to be mindful of how powerful our words are. They can either build our children up or tear them down.
Alternative to Say:
- "Everyone makes mistakes. Let's figure out how to do it differently next time."
By recognizing and eliminating these harmful phrases from our vocabulary, we not only improve our relationships with our children but also contribute to breaking generational cycles of reactive parenting. It's about shifting from a place of authority and control to one of guidance and partnership.
Imagine the impact of replacing criticism with curiosity, threats with thoughtful consequences, and dismissal with dialogue. We can foster an environment where our children feel valued, heard, and empowered to grow.
So, what's next? Awareness is the first step. Start by noticing when these phrases creep into your conversations. Pause, reflect, and choose a different path. It's not about being perfect; trust me, I've slipped up more times than I can count; but about striving for progress. Consider practical steps like taking a moment each day to reflect on your interactions; journaling can be a powerful tool for this.
Try to see the situation from your child's perspective; what are they feeling? What do they need? Encourage open dialogue by welcoming their questions and being willing to explain your reasoning; this builds trust and understanding. Remember, our children learn more from what we do than what we say, so model the behavior you wish to see by handling frustration and disappointment gracefully.
Sending you light and encouragement on this journey. You've got this.