Breaking The Cycle: Liberating Fatherhood from Fear-Based Parenting

"An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat". This is the dictionary’s definition of the word fear. In this definition, we see words such as “dangerous”, “unpleasant”, and one of my personal favorites, “threat”. Looking deeply at these words, I cringe at the thought of my children associating them with their experience with me. The harsh reality is that, in fact, I am sure they did, and sometimes probably still do. For some reason, it just does not sit well with me.

I’m going to use this blog post as a way to work through my own shortcomings on this topic while celebrating my growth in this area. All of this will be an attempt to help dads who come across this writing with understanding why we get viewed as the big bad wolf, and how we can shift that narrative. Not only will our children be better for it, but we will be as well.

I can clearly remember a pivotal moment in my fatherhood journey. My son, who was maybe in the 2nd grade at the time, had gotten in trouble at school. In speaking with his mother, in a very protective and almost disgusted tone, she uttered to me, “he is afraid of you, he fears you”. I remember IMMEDIATELY feeling attacked, triggered, angry, and sad all at the same time. In my mind, there is no way my son fears me. I replayed all of our sweet moments of bonding, expressions of love, and overall happiness. I fired back at her, “he does not fear me! When I pick him up from your place, he’s not running away, he runs towards me!”

For weeks after this incident, I replayed this interaction in my mind over and over again. Why would she say that? Why did Kaleb plead with her not to tell me about what happened at school? Then, like a ton of bricks, it hit me. Oh sh*t, he really is afraid of me. It was in this moment of reflection that I truly realized that while he does love me to pieces, he is also afraid of me. My daughter’s mother always says, “both things can be true”, and 5 years ago, the understanding and experiencing of that phrase was ever so present in my mind as I sat in my bedroom with this revelation.

So let’s look at some of the reasons why this is normal for dads and how we can be intentional about changing this narrative while still holding our children accountable.

 

We parent how we were parented.

 I think possibly the biggest revelation a dad or any parent for that matter can come to is this very truth. The amount of generational trauma that can be healed by those 6 words above in bold is profound. I am currently 36 years old, and I did not intentionally sit with and understand this truth until the last year. Trust me when I tell you that it burns me up on the inside to think that my 12-year-old son is JUST now getting the benefits of my revelation. Sometimes I look at my two-year-old and laugh inside my head and think, “girl your brother really went through the ringer for you” LOL.

The opposite of conscious parenting is doing this very thing. For example, when I got in trouble at school, my dad violently yelled at me and spanked me. This was my norm for many years of my childhood. In my mind, I turned out to be a successful contribution to society, so I’m thinking that this is the only and best way to parent. So when my son got in trouble at school, I yelled until I lost my voice at times. I spanked him on the butt until he was in tears.

I think there comes a point in fatherhood where we let our children’s pure love for us blind us to the fact of the emotional damage we are causing them. I know that I was extremely guilty of this.

One day I had to say to myself, okay, something has to change. I realized that growing up, I truly disliked my father because of the amount of fear he instilled in me. I attributed my pain, hurt, and suffering to him. Buying all the clothes, providing food for the dinner table could not compete with the fear in my mind, and the welts on my body from the belt over and over.

It wasn’t until well into my adult years that I was able to truly display compassion and empathy for my dad. Somewhere around the age of 30, 6 or 7 years ago, I thought to myself, wow, this man does love me; he was just treating me how his dad treated him, and his dad treated him that way because… well yeah, you get the point.

So please, if you don’t want your kids waiting until they are 30 years old to finally understand this and show true love to you, please try and break the cycle of parenting how you were parented.

Societal Norms

Society has done a tremendous job of assigning dads as the bad cop. Now, clearly we have to also point the finger at ourselves and take accountability for the role we play in this norm. So I have to own up to the fact that when my daughter is in my care, I do put that extra bass in my voice when wanting her to behave a certain way. Does it work? Of course, it does. In her eyes, I am a giant with a scary loud voice. So the more and more I do this, it becomes perfectly fine for her mom to say, “I’m gonna call daddy” in my absence to get my daughter to behave.

The sad thing about this is, society will have us thinking that this is something to be proud of. I would be lying to you if I didn’t wear a badge of pride knowing that hearing my name alone will have my kids behaving even when I’m not present. Recently though, that hasn’t been feeling good to me. What was once an honor is now a way that I wholeheartedly do not want to be viewed by my kids. In a random act of misbehavior, I want my daughter to hear my name and smile with pure joy.

We feel that they have to fear us for them to behave.

In my experience, this could not be the furthest thing from the truth. I gave my son his last spanking in 2017; I remember it like it was yesterday. He was 6 years old at the time. Over the last 6 years, I have drastically changed my parenting style, especially when it comes to the idea of discipline. Am I human and sometimes don’t show up how I want to? YES. So do I still raise my voice at times when I had the opportunity to be more calm? OF COURSE. With all things considered, I can honestly say that for the last 6 years, my son’s behavior has been far better than it was when I was huffing, puffing, and blowing doors down.

I think there is a VERY tricky and thin line to walk here. We don’t want our children “running all over us”, so we do have to somehow set clear expectations. What I have realized is that I have set those expectations. I set them for both of my kids, but I now know that I’m not the biggest fan of how I set those expectations.

So now, I am trying to course-correct and work backward. Figuring out how to maintain this same level of respect without looking like an angry giant. This, while challenging, has been one of the most beautiful paths that I can ever walk as a dad.

Embrace change with small intentional steps.

Look, it is going to take time and great effort to stop parenting how generations of dads in your family did it before you. Don’t think for one second, this is easy. Celebrate the awareness of the small changes, and be proud of making intentional choices. 

10 practical tips to help you on this journey.

Lead by Example: Actively live out the values you wish to instill in your children. When they see you being kind, patient, and empathetic, they are more likely to copy and emulate these traits themselves.

Active Listening: Take the time to truly listen to your children without judgment or interruption. Validate their feelings and concerns, showing them that their thoughts matter.

Empowerment through Choice: Involve your children in decision-making processes when appropriate. My way of handling “punishment” has changed drastically. Now, I speak with my son, and I have him tell me what he thinks is a good consequence for certain behaviors. Together, we collaborate on determining the best course of action. In doing so, he feels empowered, knowing his voice is heard, while also being held accountable for his actions.

Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise your children for their efforts and achievements. Encouragement and positive reinforcement can go a long way in building confidence and self-esteem.

Open Communication: Foster an environment where your children feel comfortable expressing themselves openly and honestly. Encourage dialogue and provide support without criticism or condemnation.

Setting Clear Boundaries: Establish clear and consistent boundaries that truly have a foundation of mutual respect. Communicate these boundaries effectively and enforce them with empathy and understanding.

Model Conflict Resolution: Teach your children healthy ways to resolve conflicts and navigate disagreements. Show them how to communicate directly with assertion, empathize with others' perspectives, and seek mutually beneficial solutions.

Lead with Compassion: Approach parenting with compassion and understanding, recognizing that your children are individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. 

Well, there you have it. I’ve shared my own shortcomings and current path with you on this topic, and even gave you some tips that I think are not only sustainable, but real. So, have a go at it, and good luck!