When my son was younger, his mom and I used to do this thing called “surprise night”. Essentially, this meant that on surprise night he got to sleep in one of our beds that night. I knew his mom was doing this ritual at her house; so I thought it would be cool to do it at mine as well. He LOVED surprise nights! To the point where he would be begging for additional weekly surprise nights. Truth is, I’m sure his mom and I enjoyed them just as much as he did.
But, you know what they say, all good things must come to an end. A couple years ago, I said “Kaleb, are you ready for a surprise night?!”. With a shy look on his face he said verbatim “Dad, uhh, I don’t really have to do surprise nights anymore you know what I mean?” Yea, that hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby boy was basically telling me, he no longer needs or yearned to sleep next to his old man.
This reminded me of one of my favorite rap lyrics about fatherhood. J Cole raps “today my son said dad, “let go of my hand”. There are times during fatherhood where the “protector” role that we play will slowly be retired day to day. Truth is, for many dads, it’s a sad occasion. We might not realize it, but we actually take pride in being the protector. It makes us feel validated in this role.
So, you can imagine the look on my face when my two year old daughter told me to let go of her hands because she can “go down the steps by myself”.
So where does this leave us? Are we no longer valuable? Below I shared a few tips that you can use to adapt your parenting as your children develop their own identities.
Be Versatile
Let's face it, no one actually likes a one trick pony. If something that you were known for is not as valuable anymore, it pays to have a full arsenal in the dad duffle bag. This is why it’s important to be many and all things to your children. For example, being affectionate, nurturing, and a good listener. So while my son may not be excited about sharing a bed with me anymore; he is excited to come and talk to me after he’s had a bad day. This is because he knows that I’ll be understanding, and I’ll hug him. Imagine if he felt like he couldn’t come to me in these situations. Also, be funny. I mean humor is subjective I guess. But, in my mind, I’m hilarious. Who wants a dad that isn’t funny? My son and my daughter go into momentous laughing spells when we are together. It’s actually quite funny. So remember, be versatile in your approach to parenting; because at some point; some of the things you were used up for; won’t be needed anymore.
Embrace the Evolution
Fresh out of college, my first job offer I accepted was a super intense call center job. People were getting let go left and right by the dozens. I remember during that time, one of my coworkers looked at me and said “Odeani, the only thing constant, is change”. This wisdom rings especially true in fatherhood. As our children carve out their identities, it's essential to see this evolution not as a loss but as a natural progression of life. Your role isn't diminishing; it's transforming. The key lies in celebrating their growing independence while offering your support and guidance from the sidelines. Encourage their pursuits, listen to their changing interests and opinions, and most importantly, show them that your love is unwavering, no matter how much they change. So when my son changes his favorite NBA player every single season; I give him a very firm head nod. When my daughter out of nowhere no longer likes 80% of the food I cook, I smile, and panic on the inside about what in the world is this little girl going to eat?!
Foster Open Communication
The foundation of any strong relationship is open and honest communication. As your children develop their own identities, they'll face new challenges, questions, and perhaps even doubts about who they are and where they fit in the world. This period can be as confusing for them as it is for you. I personally think that as dads, we should lean into this uncertainty, recognizing it as a rich ground for growth and connection. Create a safe space for them to express themselves without fear of judgment. Let them know that it's okay to be uncertain, to explore, and even to fail. Your role as dad can become one of the most valued aspects of your relationship during this time.
Adapt to Their World
The world our children are growing up in is vastly different from our own childhoods. Digital landscapes, social media, and the rapid pace of change can feel alien to many of us dads. However, showing a willingness to learn and adapt to their world can bridge gaps you didn't even know existed. Take an interest in the music they listen to, the shows they watch, and the social media platforms they use—not to critique, but to understand and connect. This doesn't mean losing your identity or pretending to be someone you're not; rather, it's about demonstrating that their world matters to you because they matter to you.
Invest in Your Own Growth
As our children grow and require less of our constant oversight, it's an opportune moment to reflect on our own growth. Use this shifting dynamic as a chance to invest time in your own interests, hobbies, and personal development. In my own life, this has proven to be essential. As soon as I realized my son didn’t need me for every single thing; it allowed me to dedicate short bursts of time to my own growth. This proves to be even more valuable with the birth of his sister. I can recall many mornings where I asked my son to sit with his baby sister for 10 minutes while I meditate, or journal, or read. This isn't about selfishness; it's about modeling the importance of lifelong learning and personal fulfillment. Show your children that growth isn't confined to childhood or adolescence but is a lifelong journey.
Celebrate the Milestones
Every step towards independence is a milestone worth celebrating. Whether it's a first job, a driving test passed, or even a change in personal style, these are all outward signs of their emerging identity. Celebrating these moments reinforces your support and acknowledges their journey towards becoming their person. Remember, the small victories are as significant as the big ones, both in their lives and in your evolving relationship.
Dadclusion:
Adapting to our children's developing identities is a dance between holding on and letting go. In a sense, we really have to value the micro moments as they occur, while truly understanding that all things are impermanent. They will always come, and they will always go. Our value as dads doesn't diminish; it deepens and enriches as we witness and support the incredible individuals our children are becoming. In this flux of existence, our love, guidance, and humor remain constant beacons, guiding them as they navigate their unique paths. And in doing so, we might just discover new depths to our own identities, as fathers and as individuals, in this ever-changing journey of life.